As Myself

Why is it so hard to love ourselves? The great spiritual traditions all insist that we love and accept ourselves almost as a prerequisite to "entering the kingdom" or achieving enlightenment. Psychologists concur that self-love is pretty much the root of all goodness. Twelve-step literature believes that self-love is the primary task of recovery.

So, if we "know" that self-love is the answer, why is it so impossible to achieve? I heard someone say the other night: "It takes 100 positive encounters or thoughts to unseat a single negative one." Certainly, that appears to be true. If someone slights us or appears to slight us, we ruminate on that slight for a long time and increase its power over us. Seriously, how many of us go straight to a mirror and say to our own image, "You're good enough! You're beautiful and smart."

A question that I'm trying to ask myself when I feel slighted or discouraged is: What would I say or do for a child that I know if he/she was feeling this way? I had an experience this week where a three-year-old came up to me and seemed a little downcast. I asked what was wrong and he said something happened at preschool. I pursued it and he told me a girl had told him to "Go away." I told him that wasn't very nice. He went on to say that she said it in a mean tone. I asked him how that made him feel. In the end, the girl apologized to him. He understood that she apologized and yet the sting of that "mean" tone and the words "go away" were with him. I hugged him and told him I'd never tell him to go away.

How interesting that he took the negative from the exchange and fretted over it! How true for grown-ups as well! If I have an intense exchange with someone, I hear the point in the exchange where that person called me a name and I don't think about all the problems we solved in the conversation. I don't think about the time we both took to spend with each other and talk this through. I think about the one moment where the person slipped and acted like a three-year old calling names.

Self-love, if I follow the example of the little boy, would tell a friend the feelings and seek comfort. It's that simple and that difficult. If it takes a hundred postives to undo at one hurt, then the first step is to share the burden with someone else. I can talk to myself positively as well, but I once was a little girl who was hurt and had no one to share the hurt with. Today, I need to practice sharing that hurt with a friend and with the Big Dude.

It's been four days since I was hurt and I haven't shared it with one person. I have a lot to learn. If I'm going to love my neighbor "as myself," I'd better get cracking. Roxie