Good Fences Make Good Neighbors: Boundaries

Did you ever wonder what it's like to have healthy boundaries? Maybe you're nodding and agreeing that boundaries are a challenge in your life. However, you're probably also saying: How is this a spiritual topic? Boundaries, to my own surprise, are profoundly spiritual. The dilemma of what constitutes good boundaries is bound up more in "love thy neighbor as thyself" than in Robert Frost's "good fences make good neighbors."

Meditating this morning, I asked my higher self to speak to me of boundaries. Breathing somewhat erratically, I confess, I noticed the flurry of birds at the feeder outside my sliders. Amidst the many grey and brown creatures, I was startled to see the flash of a bright yellow bird and then the calm landing of a crimson cardinal in the branches of the maple tree. The cardinal's radiance stood out against the snow and his less brilliant friends.

I realize that I am drawn to brilliance; perhaps we all are. When in the presence of a charasmatic personality, like Icarus to the sun, I draw too near and begin to forget the flash of color that is my own. I lose my sense of self and not in a good way. Hence, my question about boundaries this morning.

A charismatic personality, the king cardinal, is not in itself a threat to boundaries. It is only if this bright light shines itself excessively in our direction, and we find ourselves being drawn inevitably into its thrall, that it becomes dangerous. If we saw this in nature, we would be alarmed. Had all the grey birds and the quivering yellow bird grouped themselves around the cardinal, we would be shocked and consider that a threat to the natural order.

So it is in human order. If we find ourselves irresistably drawn to another, excessively concerned about another, or overwhelmingly wanting the notice and approval of another, we have a boundary problem. When groups of people are drawn to one individual (Jim Jones,say), we can see the danger. Sometimes, however, when it's just our little self being drawn to someone else whom we perceive as better, stronger, or more beautiful in some way, we may not recognize the risk.

This excessive attraction or need for another is also a spiritual dilemma. If my will is being seduced by another human, however wondrous, it is not resting where it belongs, within the higher self, with the God of my understanding.

When I posed the dilemma of boundaries, my higher self responded in simple terms: "Come home to your breath." The Holy Spirit, God, the Big Dude, Cara, the Buddha are manifested uniquely in each human. In the breath, the visible sign of our vitality. It is to inner goodness and grace, symbolized by the breath, that we need to turn when challenged by a person who tests our boundaries.

It's a life-long struggle for me to find the balance between good fences and loving my neighbor. Recently, the universe is sending me situations that rock my world and are hard to see as learning oportunities. One person I love deeply is detaching, not to reject me but to become more healthy. Intellectually, I know this but it feels like a sword to my heart. Another person is coming and going, one moment too close and one moment gone. In each case, I am tearing my hair and rending my clothing (so to speak). Like Charlie Brown, I cry "aaarrrgghhh" to the universe! And, I sit in meditation begging for help with my own boundaries.

When I am thinking of the machinations of another, worrying about losing the love of another, skeptical of the intrusions of another, I am not centered in my own life, in this day, in this moment of my own experience. Maybe I am the cardinal myself, but I wouldn't notice it because I am skirmishing on the ground with my feathered friends to get the best bird seed, never noticing the view from the branches which reveals an abundance sufficient for all. Having boundaries means seeing the vista from my own eyes and knowing it's the right and good for me.

And so it is. Anne